Hold on
by Hopefullydepressed
Summary: Maya attempts suicide and all her friends are left broken by the fact ,that they never noticed the signs.
1. Chapter 1

Riley got into the hospital room keeping her eyes tightly the room as good as her own one she walked next to the bed without opening them. She did this every day this week. Everytime she hoped that when she'll open her eyes , she'll find her best friend sitting on the bed, eyes wide open and her beautiful smile curved on her lips. Every day she was disappointed. When she got to the bed and opened her eyes, she met the same results that the day before and two days before and a week before. Her heart sank, even thought ,deep down, she knew that she'll find her in the same position as the day before.

She looked at her friend laying still, her chest slowly rising and faling with her every breath. Once again tears threatened to leave her eyes. Riley every day promised herself and Maya, that she won't cry while she was visiting, still every day ended up crying almost histerycally.

"I'm sorry,Maya." She whispered with her voice cracking,when she said Maya's name. "I know I promised, that I won't cry..." She swallowed a sob. "That I'll be here to encourage you... and I'll smile and be cheerful..." She started to shake from the effort to retain her cries. "Because that's how you know me." She couldn't resist anymore. Tears were streaming down her face like a river and she started to sob loudly. "I am so sorry, Maya." She caressed her pale cheek. A tear fell on Maya's cheek and Riley started to cry harder, because most likely lots of tears flew on that cheeks before and she had never known how hard her friend was hurting.

Riley forced a smile on her face and went to open the curtains to let the sunlight in the room, then she decided on opening the window to let some fresh eir in. "Maya...Why? Why didn't you tell me? Why?" She walked back to the bed and sat on the edge. "I didn't know,Maya, I didn't know how much you hurted. I didn't saw the signs that you were...umm...Sucidal." The word tasted bitter on her mouth. It was the first time she spelled it, from the day she found out that her friend swallowed a more than a dozen of sleeping pills on purpose. It been a month since and Riley couldn't accept the fact that her best friend had been suicidal. She walked around smiling, while her word was falling apart. She joked and laughed and acted as any normal teenager. Except she wasn't. She walked around carrying so much more pain than she could handle. "How comes that I never saw how much you were hurting. Was I a bad friend? Am I bad friend, Maya?" Riley traced her wrists with her fingers and once again was shocked by the number of wounds that were there. Maya had been wearing more and more bracelets, Maya had been wearing long sleeved shirts even though it had been a very warm spring. "How come I never saw, what been in front of me?" The cuts were hard to watch and the young girl felt tempted to shut her eyes close, to shut out the images of her brain forvere. She couldn't and there was no way of unseeing that. "I am sorry." She whispered again as guilt started to run through her veins.

"You know...Everybody is missing you...Your mom...My parents, my brother...Lucas, Farkle, Zay,Izzy...Josh asked about you, he wanted to come to see you. I talked him off...I am blaming for hurting you. Mom said that is not his fault. I guess she is right, but I feel the need to blame someone...Shawn wanted to come to and I stopped him too. Maybe I should have let them. What do you think?" Asked Riley her friend's lifeless body.

"I miss your voice. I miss your smile, your laugh,your humor." Said Riley between sobs.

The door opened and Riley's mom came in. She sat next to Riley and kissed Maya on her forehead.

"Riley, is time to get home."

"I don't like to left her alone."

"I know,hun,but you still have school and homeworks." The words were of a severe mom, but she said them gently.

"I don't are about them." She turned her eyes on her friend's lifeless body again. "Everybody's looking at me with pity or with accusations. Like I am to blame, like I failed her and the worst part is that I failed her."

"Don't cry,Riley, is not your fault. Don't let anybody believe that." Topanga stood up and helped her daughter to stand up. "Come ,dear. We'll stop to buy you some ice cream on the way home."

She didn't want ice cream or to go home. All she wanted was to look in her best friend's blue eyes again, all she wanted was to be able to apologies for not realising how lost , Maya was. She let her mom to buy ice cream for both of them and she even managed to eat all of it.

When they got home the shattered brunette ran straight into her room. She laid on her bed and started to look at the photo album she made for Maya for her upcoming birtday. She looked at that album almost everyday from the day of the incident. The corners started to deteriorate, but Riley couldn't care less. She wanted to remember Maya the way that she looked in those pictures, happy and full of life, not the way she looked on that bed. The pale, lifeless body in that bed was nothing like Maya she used to know. Under the covers on the hospital bed, Maya looked so helpless, so weak, so damaged, nothing like the strong, confident, headstrong Maya, Riley used to know.

Next morning she woke up,still wearing the lothes she wore the day before and clutching the photo album. She ran to take a fast shower and change in clean clothes. She barely made it to school in time. She went through every single class in numbness. The teachers spoke and explained the lessons, but all Riley saw before her eyes were Maya's wrists. There was no way to wipe that image from the back of her eyelids.

"Hey,Riley...are you fine?" Asked Lucas, her ex-boyfriend as they were heading to the cafeteria. "You look like shit."

"What?" Riley asked turning suddenly to her friend.

"You look exhausted and very pale. How much you slept lately?"

"Not enough." She wiped her eyes roughly, trying to wake herself up.

"You need to see a doctor,Riles, and maybe a therapist."

"I'm good. I can handle myself."

"Please, think about it. I am afraid I'll lose you too." She took some deep breaths, to help himself to swallow the tears that threatened to break out. "I can't lose you too,Riley...you need help." Riley wanted to say once again that she was fine, but seeing the fear in Lucas eyes, stopped her.

"I'll think about it."

"After school go home,Riley, take some good rest." He put a finger on her lips to stop her protest. "I'll stay with Maya, she won't be alone. Promise me, Riley." She kept her eyes locked with his for some seconds that seemed minutes, but she gave up.

"Fine. But if she show any sign of waking up, call me."

"I don't th..."

"Doctors said that she should wake up. They don't get why she hadn't already. I am afraid,Lucas." She wiped a traitorous tear. "What if she is losing time. What if sh..."

"She'll be fine,Riles." He pulled her in a reassuring hug. "When she'll wake up, she'll need you healthy."

"Fine, I could use a day or two off."

"Now come to put some food inside of you. You losed some weight and I don't like to see you like this." They went to their table, were the rest were already sitting with equally serious expressions on their face. Lucas sighed long and loud.

"Guys...umm...I don't wanna be inconsiderate,I love Maya, but I miss y'all. We hadn't been ourselves for while. I haven't seen Riley's smile for weeks. Farkle your grades dropped,you do realize how serious is this? Izzy you are barely speaking lately. I miss your bragging. Zay, I don't even know when you joked last time."

"Bro, I loved her. I had the biggest crush on her for years and the thought that is possible to never see her again, to never hear her laugh to never hear her agresive growls...I...it kills me..." Zay's voice was shaking as if he used all his strenght to keep himself from crying.

"We all loved...we all love her. She wouldn't want us like this." Lucas tried his best, to be strong for the group, but he felt like colapsing in helpless sobs. He couldn't protect her. He needs to protect the rest. Riley observed his clenched fist shaking. She stood up and willed a smile on her face.

"Lucas is right. She would hate to see us broken. We had to pick oursleves up. For. Maya." The bell rang signaling the end of lunch and Riley tried to made her way to her next class, when she felt Lucas's hand on her wrist.

"You didn't eat anything. Sit down and finish you meal."

"We'll get in trouble."

"I'll explain the headmaster. Now sit." He pushed her a little from her shoulders and sat next to her ex-girlfriend. Riley ate in silence as the cafeteria slowly emptied. Lucas stroke her back to help her calm down.

"You are the best, best friend that every walked the face of earth...but Lucas you don't have to be strong, not always. Give yourself time to hurt in order to heal."

"I know,Riley, I know. You know how much I love her and is breaking me that...maybe if hadn't been so scared to love her...maybe she wouldn't...she...ummm."

"Lucas you don't know, maybe it wouldn't be enough...I wasn't." Lucas shook her friend from her shoulders.

"Stop blaming yourself, woman."

"Like you do?" He stood up and gathered the remains of their lunch. "Lets go, you finished your meal and we are already late."


	2. Maya's Pov 1

It was late night when I heard a knock on my window . Judging on the neighbourhood I lived in, some people would been alarmed. Not me. Me and my friends had a habit of getting in each others house via windows, mostly my best friend's, Riley and through my window, since ours were the most accessible. A knock on my window, late night meant that one of my friends had something important to speak about. I jumped of my bed and in two steps run to my window to open it. As I saw Lucas face in my window frame I knew what he wanted to speak about. The triangle. The stupid love triangle me, Riley and Lucas were stuck in. It's been going on for two years. Two years of living in constant cofused feelings. Lucas feelings were confused, mine weere selfish and Riley's were pure. She would gave up everything just to stay friend with both of us. I was selfish , so selfish.

"Come in Lucas." I stepped back to make him way. I took a deep breath and built up my walls. High. Unbreakable.

Lately the confusion Lucas went through for two years fell apart. I saw in his eyes as they met Riley's. Everytime they land on Riley he glows. He never glows around me. I still dragged this mess around and fooled myself. If he kept the triangle on, he had feelings for me. I believed my lie.

"Maya we have to speak." Lucas was all tensed, scared to break my heart. He was a good guy. I didn't deserve him. The universe saw my hope and decided to end it.

"About the triangle. You. . We dragged this forever , didn't we?" I paced back and forth to gain the courage to be strong. I was having the feeling that it wasn't me the one he was going to choose. I really started to lve Lucas, not just like. I planned to tell him about how I was feeling, didn't mattered anymore, it was clearly over for me.

"Yes, Maya, this has to end. But I don't want to hurt anyone. We tried to deny it, but it didn't work. I am tired of going back and forth between the two of you. I am tired of always having to even things up. You deserve more. Both of you. I am sorry that I have to hurt someone to stop it." I was going to be the one hurt. I turned around affraid to face him and the truth. I walked to my bed and sat on the edge of it.

"Have you made the courage to dump me, Huckleberry?" I asked him ready to pull the band aid fast of my heart.

"What?" He walked and sat next to me on the bed. I felt like needed the distance to be brave and he broke that too.

"Is obvious, Huckleberry that you are not here to tell me that I am the one you choose. You are here to see if I'll be fine with it. I am Lucas. You and Riley deserved the happines that I'd kept you away from." Lucas took a deep breath in and et it ou slow, lookind down at his lap. He was speechless and I knew why. He didn't denied it.

"I don't want to hurt you, Maya. I just don't" He already did. But I didn't want him to regret making a choice, I didn't want this to be the end of us.

"You have my blessing, Sundance. Go brighten Riley's night." I thought that he will hurry as fast as I gave my blessing, but he was still sitting next to me.

"I like you, Maya, I really do,but..."

"I don't make your heart go clippity-clop the way Riley does." I said with a sad giggle. "You don't have to explain yourself. This went on to long. Don't be affraid to hurt me."

"You are extraordinary, Maya Hart." He said opening his arms and waiting for a hug. I crossed the distance and let myself get lost in his warmth and for a second things weren't over. It ended to fast.

"What are friends for. Now go, Riley will be thrilled."

When Lucas left as I told him to, My heart sank. I stayed on my frozen. I didn't cry, not for at least half hour. But when I finally did, I wasn't crying just for him, but for all the things I hoped for in vain. This was just another dissapointment in the vault of sadness. I cried myself to sleep,like may other times.

When I got to school the first thing that I saw was Riley an Lucas, close to each other , holding hands and getting lost in each other's eyes. I couldn't do it not yet. I decided tto skip school. I turned around and ran out. I wasn't knowing where I was running. I was just going, letting my legs to take the lead. When my body started to give up and my lungs started to burn, I stopped, suddenly. It was as I just started to see again and I noticed that I was in front of the _Night Hawk Dinner_ . My mom used to work there and I used to hang out plenty times there, waiting to her shift to end. Since my mom started to work at _Topanga's_ I haven't put my leg inside. It was weird, hoe everything was the same, except me.

I went in. A waitress, Tasha, was already at my table. "Maya, this is really you? Long time no see?" I smiled at her friendly smile and remembered how many times she babysat me when my mom worked overtime.

"Here, flesh and bones." I said keeping my eyes glued to my hands, which sat on the table. I was affraid that if I make eye-contact, she'll see throught me and if she'll ask me anything, I'll spill everything.

"Sweetie, why aren't you at school?" She sat in front of me, probably concerned. I shook my hand like this was nothing and forced a smile on my face, ready to face her.

"I skipped. Not in mood for school." She searched my face for any answer about what "not in mood" could mean. I stubbornly kept my face as emotionless as possible.

"There is no one her. Talk to me , sweetie." She saw through my walls and I was close to break, to fall apart.

"Boy problems." I muttered, my eyes once agai glued to my hands. I stared to fidget to twiddle my thumbs.

"What happened. I am a good listener." Maybe subconsciously that's why I ran here. To speak with someone, out of my friends group.

"Riley and I got caught in a stupid love triangle with our other friend, Lucas. He finally made his choice and I wasn't his choice. I wanna be happy for them, but I can't. I love them, but I still can't be happy. The wound iis to fresh and seeing them at school together made it bleed." Tears were flowing on my cheeks and I did nothing to wipe them. Natasha put her hands on mine, without saying anything. She was just there for me and I appreciated it.

"You'll be fine, sweetie. It gets better." She took a napkin and wiped my tears gently. I felt like a stone fell of my heart. Natasha got back to work and I sat there twenty more minutes, eating a tuna sandwitch.

I went back to school for my third class witch was arts. When I entered my eyes met Riley's. whose were full of hapiness with a drop of concern.

"Where were yo this morning ?" Was her question when I sat next to her.I shrugged my shoulder nonchalanty. " I overslept." She held my hand still concerned about something.

"Isn't because, you know me and Lucas?" I hoped that she won't bring him up or their new relationship, but no luck for Maya Hart.

"Nope. You know me better than this. I am glad for you and Ranger Rick. We wanted the triangle to stop and this is a good ending. Until the teache came I had to listen to a long detailed explanation of her last night meeting with Lucas. I deserve an award for my acting. I smiled and spoke so composed that I could barely believe myself.


End file.
